I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few weeks thinking about what I want this blog to be. When I started it almost a year ago (oh my gosh how has it been that long already?!?!?!) I wanted it to be a place to share my journey through my medical issues, my pictures, as well as my life as a childfree girl who happens to love scrapbooking. I think I’ve done a pretty good job on the scrapbooking front, an even better job on the sharing of pictures side of things, but not such a great job on the medical end. It’s been harder than I expected to share my experiences as a “sick person”, to open up and share the difficulties that life with a disease presents. But more and more I find that I gain so much from hearing other people’s stories, that I am consistently inspired by those that do open their hearts and share. Between blogs, forum posts and books (most recently, Michael J. Fox’s latest Always Looking Up which was excellent) I have found a wealth of inspiration from others fighting their way through the same medical world that I occupy and felt the need to jump in and do a better job of sharing my own story as well. So I’m making a new goal for myself to share my heart more openly and more frequently. It may take me awhile to open up so bare with me, I am a work in progress! And if you’re just here for pictures of my dog, don’t worry, I won’t be the slightest bit offended if you skip over the personal stuff 😉
I’m gonna start off towards my new goal by sharing the poem that begins Toni Morrison’s new book Home, which is also excellent so if you’re looking for book recommendations you now have two 🙂
Whose house is this?
Whose night keeps out the light
Say, who owns this house?
It’s not mine.
I dreamed another, sweeter, brighter
With a view of lakes crossed in painted boats;
Of fields wide as arms open for me.
This house is strange.
Its shadows lie.
Say, tell me, why does its lock fit my key?
Let me just say that I adore Toni Morrison. What English major doesn’t? But this poem may be my favorite thing she has ever written because it so eloquently puts into words the way I often feel about this life as a patient. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life more than I can say and I am incredibly blessed. But the constant doctor appointments, the incessant waiting for test results to determine the course of my next few months, the waiting, wondering and worrying, the constant questioning of what comes next, those are all things I could do without. In many ways my life is better than I ever imagined, but it is at the same time a life filled with challenges I never dreamed I would have to face. There are times when those challenges feel insurmountable and it is at those moments when I wonder why this lock fits my key.