Blog Your Heart

Stephanie Howell issued the blog your heart challenge again, kind of a monthly thing, so here we go.

1. I am feeling oh so very happy to be home right now. I am incredibly blessed to be able to travel with J but I also love to be at home, especially in the fall, so I am very happy to have a bit of a break from the traveling. We were gone a lot over the last two months which has really turned me into a homebody. I am just loving snuggling up at home and having the time to catch up on things around the house and actually do some cooking.

2. I am feeling frustrated with my disease right now. Sometimes I am not really bothered by all of it and just feel very passive towards the whole thing. But other times it can start to feel like a straight jacket that’s constantly restricting me. Lately I’ve been falling into the latter case. I’m frustrated because it doesn’t seem like the drug is working, at how much it costs, at the fact that I feel rundown all the time and doing 25 minutes of yoga takes all my energy for the day, that we never seem to be able to find any real answers about what’s going on… There’s a rather long list of PNH frustrations in my world right now. Add on to that our health insurance changes next year to a $1500 out of pocket total per person, which means I will have a $1500 bill by the end of January. Not exactly the most exciting way to spend our money. Like I said, lots of frustrations.

3. Having vented about the frustrations though, I am reading a book called The Land Between that examines the Israelites journey through the dessert that has been serving as an excellent reminder that these challenges and frustrations will help mold me into a stronger person if I let it. I’m doing my best to remember that and to do everything in my power to use my struggles to make me a better person, into the kind of person that God wants me to be.

4. I am kind of struggling to find my voice with this blog. I want to be a better writer, the kind of writer that I would enjoy reading. I am also struggling in what exactly to share here. I started it to share my PNH and childless experiences, but I worry that talking too much about those things will make me sound whiny. I want to tell my story so that others out there who are going through similar experiences will know that they are not alone. And I want other PNHers to be able to see what my life with the disease looks like so that we can compare and learn from each other. But I worry that people are going to read it and think “oh here she goes again, droning on and on about her problems.” I also want it to show what my life looks like without kids because I feel like it’s hard to find other scrapbookers specifically, but really anyone in general, that share their lives without children. Don’t get me wrong, I love reading other blogs where mother’s share their experiences and funny stories. I just want to feel like there are others out there who don’t have kids and are still living and scrapbooking.

5. I am still hopelessly in love with my iPad. I don’t think this obsession is going away anytime soon. Every time I think I’ve discovered all I need to know about it, I find something new and completely amazing that I can do with it. Last night I took a bubble bath while watching a show on it. The height of relaxation, I assure you.

6. I hate shoe shopping. Apparently my mother and sister got all of the shoe love in the gene pool because I absolutely do not enjoy looking for shoes one bit. So, to eliminate the need for much shopping in that department, I follow a general rule of one brown pair and one black pair for each kind of shoe I need (essentially flip flops, fake uggs, and boots). My mother thinks I’m crazy. Every once and awhile I will breeze by a shoe rack and something will catch my eye and come home with me, and when it does, they are amazing. That is how my awesome high boots ended up in my closet. But, I have been without black boots for two years now and I have been unable to find anything I like in the limited amount of time I’m willing to look. The last pair I bought were roughly 6 years old and were incredibly out of style, and the only time I felt motivated to replace them was when I wanted to wear a black/grey sweater and couldn’t because I didn’t have any shoes to match. It should be added that I put about a $35 limit on my shoes. I don’t like buying them, therefore I don’t want to spend money on them. This makes my best friend think I’m crazy. Apparently my shoe issues are crazy. Anyways, I finally scored an adorable pair of black boots, on my budget at Marshalls today. I am a very happy girl who will not be going anywhere near the shoe racks for some time. I am already dreading needing to replace my favorite brown flip flops of all time next summer as they are on their last leg.

7. My shoe issues seem to stem from an incredibly high level of practicalness that I cling to which can be debilitating at times. Spending money stresses me out and so I am incredibly practical with how I spend it. It can make it a bit difficult for me to buy things that I don’t necessarily “need.” It can also lead to quite a bit of overanalzying every single purchase I make, which gets a bit exhausting. Do I really need to justify the $3 bottle of nail polish I bought? Probably not. These are the things that keep me up at night. Then add in an unexpected big expense like a vet bill and I am sent over the moon with anxiety. J is constantly yelling at me (in a nice way of course) to lighten up and not worry so much. I’m working on it. In the meantime, it saves us a lot of money.

And because posts are just so much more fun with a picture, here are a few from Sioux Falls that I haven’t gotten around to sharing yet.

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