Since the beginning of all of my medical adventures, my primary concern was always how it would impact my ability to have a baby. It was partly due to timing as it all started right when we had decided we were “ready,” and partly because it was really the only tangible change in my life since I’m really only sick on paper. So over the past 2 years I have focused enormous amounts of time and worry over starting a family. Should we have a baby??? Should we adopt??? Foster care??? No kids??? I prayed and prayed for wisdom and guidance, asking God to show us his plan, all the while adding that I would really prefer the answer to be having our own baby. I felt little peace and even less wisdom. The reality was, although I was praying for wisdom, I was really just waiting for God to tell me my plan was his plan. Until a month ago that is. A downturn in my health really ended up being a blessing in disguise I think because it finally forced me to listen to God, to really see the wisdom that he was providing and that I had been ignoring, and allowed me to finally experience the peace that was waiting for me all along. Now I by no means have all the answers now, and I still daily question if I’ll ever really know without a doubt what the right choice is in regards to our family. Perhaps it will turn out down the road that God does have a plan for us that includes growing our family. Not right now though. But I do feel peace now, and I feel like I am finally moving along the path that God has planned for us. Letting go of the certainty that we are supposed to be parents has ended up being more of a stress relief than I ever could have imagined. I had been forcing myself to make a plan, even when nothing along those lines actually felt right. For the last month now, I have felt so much more peace and happiness than I have felt over the last two years. I am finally able to truly enjoy the amazing life that I have been blessed with and I feel confidant that a life without kids will continue to be this wonderful. J and I can talk about traveling and our plans for the future without being weighed down by the stress of figuring out a family. Letting go of the self-imposed pressure has allowed me to look at what else God might have planned for me and how he may want to use me and the struggles I have experienced. I have always believed with all of my heart that God has a plan for us in all of this. Now I finally feel able to move towards that. This life, with “just us” is looking pretty good right now. Letting go hasn’t been easy, but it has been life changing, and for that I will be forever grateful.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11